You’ve Been Caught in an Affair—Now What?

My Dear Friend,

You’ve been caught in an affair. I hurt for you and yours but I do not judge. I know the vulnerability common to us all. I come from a place of experience and a place of love. I know I am capable of the very same choices and actions you took. I hope my words will touch your heart. I imagine your heart must ache. I don’t believe this is what you planned, but even if it is—it is not too late.

I imagine you’re afraid, I imagine you’re unsure of what your future holds, but do not despair. There is hope and if you are willing to do the work this is where healing and growth can and will begin. You are not powerless to make a choice, you are not powerless to make a change, there is still much you can do. There is even the possibility of saving and improving the relationship you have. It will not be easy, nor does it all depend on you, but I do believe that regardless of the outcome of your relationship the work in the end will be worth it.

1. The first step to recovery is accountability.

Take sole responsibility for your choices and actions. This is not to say that there are no relational issues between you and your committed partner that may have contributed to an affair. It does take two to tango, but the choices and actions you have taken are solely yours and you alone must be responsible for them. You cannot and must not lay blame on your partner and must consider deeply what it is in yourself that lead to your choices and current circumstances.

“The key ingredient to building trust is not time but courage.”
– Patrick Lencioni

2. The second step is transparency.

You will need to be completely forthcoming and honest with your partner about the extent of the affair and the extent of your feelings toward the other person concerned. You will not feel fully forgiven or fully loved by your partner unless you are fully known. Also your partner will continue to question, distrust and fear future infidelity until a time when they feel you have been completely open, honest and understanding of their pain. They also must be fully known by you. You must remember that one lie discovered will cast doubt on every truth expressed.

3. Third, you must be willing to repeat steps one and two as often as necessary.

In fact, give your committed partner permission to bring up the topic as many times as they need. This is not easy and it will take patience and humility on your part. However, your committed partner needs to feel heard, valued and understood by you. It is only natural and the need for repetition does not indicate that your partner does not or is not willing to forgive you. It is part of the process of forgiveness and coming to terms with the reality of what has happened between the two of you and to your relationship. Forgiveness takes courage, repetition and time.

4. Fourth, you must be willing to release your sense of entitlement to the relationship with your committed partner.

You have forfeited your right to the relationship by disregarding its terms. You also are not entitled to forgiveness, it is not a right, it is a gift and can only be given by the one betrayed. Even when you have done all in your power to apologize, amend and reconcile - the choice of continuing the relationship and forgiveness ultimately must come down to your committed partner. You will need to graciously concede and relinquish all control to allow them their ultimate choice.

If you have children old enough to have witnessed, experienced or understood some of the turmoil, drama and pain taking place in your relationship and home, it will be your responsibility to also be accountable to them, to an age appropriate level. Children are smarter than we think. Not speaking openly with them about family issues in a way they can understand is not healthy. They will inevitably create their own story or version of events which will usually be worse than reality.

“Forgiveness takes courage, repetition and time.”

Also, you and your partner must agree not to attempt to influence the children against one another. This has proven to be extremely detrimental to the mental health and future wellbeing of children caught in the middle of their parents’ dysfunction. You both must agree to as much as possible build each other up in the eyes of the children, as their view of you both, as their parents, is directly linked to their identity, self-esteem and well being.

5. You must cut off ALL communication with the other person involved in the affair.

Now for the emergency triage. You must cut off ALL communication with the other person involved in the affair - stop all: in person, text, phone, email, and all social media contact. It will take a clean sweep to get yourself disentangled. If you work with the person it may be harder to do. In this case it may be wise to speak to your committed partner in the presence of a counsellor and mutually agree upon appropriate contact. Do not keep the person secretly lingering in the shadows. It is not fair to them or your committed partner and in the long run will come back to haunt you. If your committed relationship does not survive you must know that the other will not be worth having in the end. A relationship founded in secrecy and infidelity will eventually become its own demise.

You should know, it is common in these situations that the person you are involved with may be more manipulative, strategic and conniving in the sabotage of your committed relationship than you know or are willing to admit. There are those who feed their egos when they are placed before a committed partner. They feed on being first in your thoughts, concerns and desires, they consider themselves better than your committed partner because you have placed them before him or her. They satisfy their need for validation by taking the enjoyment, passion and intimacy of a relationship that rightfully belong to your committed partner while your committed partner does all the relational work. You, yourself may be feeding an unmet need and be manipulating and conniving your way to do it. Perhaps you are not even aware.

“An affair is like the superficial good face most of us put up on our social media.”

Do not flatter yourself that you are an easy partner to be committed to.

There is no such thing. All of us have our flaws, shortcomings, quirks and peevishness. Such things rarely show themselves during an affair. Usually only in a committed relationship do we feel safe enough to let our true selves show. Also as committed relationships are usually long term it is unsustainable to keep up the act that is possible in an affair. An affair is like the superficial good face most of us put up on our social media. Really an affair is only a mirage. It may flatter you into believing that the other person is your true love. Yet if the rose coloured glasses were removed and everyday life with the person began what ugly reality would be revealed?

I ask you to truly contemplate all these things. Really look deep into yourself and your relationships to find the pain that needs to be repaired. Talk to your committed partner - ask them what they need. Talk to yourself - ask yourself what you need. Then take your actions accordingly. You will not regret following the path of courage, the path of honesty, the path of love. It will never lead you wrong.

This path is more about you than your committed partner. You know yourself and where ever you go - whoever you are with - there YOU are. There is no escaping yourself. Learn to love yourself, learn to be vulnerable and leave ego and its destructive devices behind. Perhaps here is where your relationship with your committed partner ends - perhaps it is where it begins, either way this is where a personal journey starts.

My friend, remember “The key ingredient to building trust is not time but courage.” Patrick Lencioni. It will take courage to rebuild yourself, and if it works out it will also take courage to rebuild the trust and relationship with your committed partner. Courage not only for you but them as well. If this is what you both want I wish you all the best. If not, I still wish you all the best and hope that you both will embark on journeys of fulfillment, healing and growth.

Sincerely,

Your compassionate friend